OK, here we go
......2 common themes in my life. I always have to warn "your mileage may vary" as I've found any time I dispense advice (requested or not) it's often found to be slightly off. Secondarily, I've often served only the purpose of doing things as a warning to others to NOT do it this way.
Wife is 3yrs older than I am. I'll timeline with my age, add 3 for her.
Met at 25
Married at 28
First kid 30
- OK this is where shit went off the rails for me. I had a full ride to college when I came out of high school and blew that with poor grades and general don't give a crap-ness. When I knew a kid was coming, I lost my mind and panic'd. I quite my job, had my first son, and started back to college all within 6 weeks. DO NOT DO THIS. It was all FAR FAR too stressful, and ruined the early years of our first kid for both of us. We were so stressed we couldn't take a breathe to enjoy anything.
Finished college at 34 with a degree
Bought first house at 35
Had second son at 37
- Shit went off the rails here again for me. I seem to lose my mind when I suddenly am faced with a lifetime of care of another human. I fell into a cycle of destructive behaviors culminating in my wife giving me a well deserved right hook to the jaw. It's taken years to repair this, and while we're better now than we've ever been, but holy shitballs this was a terrible/embarrassing/shaming time for me. DO NOT DO THIS.
Boy are now 10 and 3. Youngest will be 4 in April. They are JUST NOW starting to play well with each other. The 10yr old is an amazing big brother to the little guy. I can already start seeing the bonds forming that I'm certain will last a lifetime. We're missing a lot of the "He's touching me", and "He's looking at me weird" stuff you hear about from families with kids closer in age. The older one will often times take the high road and just let it go. They both have a temper, so we have to watch that a bit, but otherwise they really are great together. I'm sure that will change as the older one progresses into high school in a few years, and the youngest will be just starting elementary school.
We were honestly on the fence about the second one. Shelly was a "high risk" mother due only to her age (41 at conception and birth), although I'm not sure this was really a thing. She had gestational diabetes which was exceptionally hard on her due to a self admitted irrational fear of needles. The oldest was a breach baby and had to come via C-section, so the youngest came the same way, although slightly more planned this time. Post partum hit her (as well as my self inflicted personal bullshittery) much harder this time, so that was a challenge for both of us. The second pregnancy was ROUGH for us. Once he was here, he's been great. We had to remember how diapers work, and had to start carrying all the "stuff" around with us again, which was difficult. We were free of that burden with the 7yr old. We're almost out of the woods there again with the 3yr old, and I'm telling you I can't wait to never change a diaper again.
The biggest push for a second child, in my mind, was the social skills you learn from being forced into a friendly relationship with another human. My wife and I are both only children. We have a hard time making friends. We have an exceptionally hard time sharing. I see friends throw me keys to motorcycles and cars, or let me use equipment/tools without batting an eye. I have a REALLY hard time with that level of trust, but when I looked at the situation, they all had siblings and had learned to deal with both trusting others at that level, and dealing with whatever repercussions come from that. I have step siblings that are 10 and 12 years younger than I am. They grew up across the country (Las Vegas, I'm in Louisville), and I saw them for a total of 3, maybe 4 weeks a year. We know each other, but we aren't close at all. I have an uncle that is only 11yrs older than I am. He and I are FAR FAR closer than I am with my step-siblings. I really wanted our oldest to have that bond with someone else, and to learn those close social skills that my wife and I never got.
A few other thoughts........If you wait until you're ready, you'll never do anything. You can plan and plan and plan until you're blue in the face. The powers that be will just sit back and LAUGH at your plans. Life is what happens when you're planning. That's not to say that you shouldn't look around and take stock and make sure you're not making a tough situation tougher by adding on the pile (Go see my two do not's above for reference material), but if it's something you want, get after it. It never gets any easier......Also, all things in life require two items; Knowledge and Energy. If you are low on one, you have to put in more of the other to make it happen. Don't know how to be a parent? Throw some energy at it, and power your way through. This is true for work, home, anywhere. As you get older you have less energy, but more knowledge, use that to your advantage......especially with kids. They will drag you down if you let them when you're older. Be smart about it, and it gets WAY easier. Don't let them choose any drink, let them choose between two drinks you've already approved. No more fights over soft drinks for a toddler, and they still feel like they're in control of their destiny.
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk
) Another is, as I get closer to retirement, there is less worries. Daughter has already graduated college and is starting out on her own career. I can retire a couple of years early (62) and since college costs is no longer a factor, we can (and are) building our retirement dream house.
