Married Life

[Geoff Cooper]

For the last few years of our marriage we only had what in England we call....Hallway sex...... Maybe you Americans out there haven't heard of it, What happens is as you pass each other in the Hallway she would say ...Fuck you and then i would say yes and Fuck you too.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

After being married for a pretty long time i seemed to have an urge towards silver haired ladies, I mentioned this to the wife and she said oh ok anything to spice up our sex life, The next week she must have gone mad because she arrives home with silver streaks in her hair, Oh what you think she said. Oh that's different i said not wanting to tell her what i really thought, She said oh wait until you see what they did down below, OMG i was thinking, Maybe they have given her a Brazilian or cut the shape of a heart or something like that as a good trim was always needed as it looked like a Rats nest, Oh no not even a trim what starred me in the face was something that resembled a Don King Hairdo.

 

[MikeyL]

@Geoff Cooper ......... That one of yours was simply TOO GOOD to not make permanent !
Here's my contribution to your great sense of humor ! And from me, and I am sure, many others .... So many Thanks !

 

[Geoff Cooper]

Thanks for that I'm pleased you liked it.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

We went to France for our Honeymoon to a small quaint Hotel in Paris after we had got into our room i took my trousers off and threw them onto the bed and in a very forceful voice told her to put them on, What for she said, Put them on now i said because i said so, So unwillingly she put them on, Right i said that's the last time you wear the Trousers in this marriage and never forget that, At that she took them off and threw them on the bed and proceeded to take off her knickers, I'm in here i thought, After throwing her knickers on the bed she ordered me to wear them, Don't be silly i cant get into those i replied, No she said and you wont be doing unless your attitude changes.


She must have lied to me about her age because on her Birthday the Candles baked the Cake.

She would say the stupidest of thing's like .....Are you reading that paper your sitting on!

If there was a knock at the door she would look at me and say...Who's that?

If the Phone rang she would say...Who can that be!

I wrote to Sir Alex Ferguson the then Manager of Manchester United i said...Put my wife in Goal i haven't scored for years!

 

[Geoff Cooper]

When i lived in England the one year in winter a tramp knocked our door and when i opened the door he asked me if i had a bit of cake for him, The wife said give him some of that home made bread i cooked, I said are you sure i put some out for the birds the other day and now the walk South for the winter.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

My wife was absolutely useless at oral sex so i got her a book on it, I had to pull it out of her mouth.

There's a good reason why women have more wrinkles than men.....They always go Errrrrrrr I'm not sucking that.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

My wife was always complaining i never take her anywhere so i said I'm going fishing early on Thursday you can come with me and the Dog if you want to, Oh that would be a nice change she replied at least we can spend some time together we can take a flask and some sandwiches and have a nice picnic, Well Thursday came and it was about 5 am and pissing down with rain, I was getting ready to go i had the flask and sandwiches all ready made and i said Ok come on we need to be away soon, I'm not going in this she replied it's raining, Look you wanted to come and spend some time with me i told her, Well I'm not coming in this weather she replied, Well it's going to cost you a shag or a blow job i said, She was thinking about this and she thought well a shag is 3 minutes and a Blowjob is 30 seconds so she said oh ok you can have a blowjob and i can get back to sleep ok i said, Well she started to perform and after about 5 seconds she was heaving and spitting on the bedroom floor,What's wrong i said, That tastes fucking awful she replied, Yes I'm not surprised i said the Dog didn't want to come either.

 

[Julian]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

 

[Britboater]

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every ****ing one of them.
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They’re brilliant...It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my ****.
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I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it
out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes like asparagus"
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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend......
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A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV when he suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"
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Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....its women that make it hard
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that she tends to get sleepy and it makes her arse sore.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

The wife insisted i went to the Doctor to find out what was wrong with our sex life, After a consultation he suggested i try Viagra but was unable to give it to me on a government prescription so i had to pay $100 for it, I took the pill before i left the surgery and went straight home, When i opened the door i had already got a huge erection, I'm back i shouted and i have something for you, I raced upstairs only to find she was out shopping, Oh shit i thought what shall i do i just spent $100 on a Viagra pill, I phoned the Doctor and explained the situation and asked him how long it lasts, About 40 minutes he replied, What shall i do i said is there nobody else there you can fuck he replied, There's the young housekeeper Basque stockings about 28 years old i said, Oh Fuck her he said Oh that's fucking great i replied, I don't neeeed Viagra to fuck her.

 

[Julian]

John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.

“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?

John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

 

[Geoff Cooper]

WIFES...........Washing / Ironing/ Food and Extra Sex.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

A fellow runs into his house and says to his wife, Come on pack your bags we've won the Lottery, She says What! He says pack your bags we've won the lottery, She says what shall i pack something light something heavy where are we going, He says never mind that just pack them and Fuck off.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

Old Jewish man on his death bed, Are you there Becky he asks? Yes Himey i am here by your side, When i was shot in the 1st world war you were by my side he says, Yes Himey she replied, When i was put into a concentration camp in 1933 you were by my side, Yes Himey, The war ended and i came home and opened a business it went bankrupt and i lost all my money and you were by my side, Yes Himey, Now I am on my death bed and you are still by my side, Yes Himey, Becky your a Fucking Jinx.