Need your advice on how to handle a neighbor

[Julian]

The backstory:
My daughter is date a kid (he just turned 18) who has a car (2009 Honda Accord) and he's dropped the suspension and completely deleted the cats and muffler. It is LOUD - fucking annoyingly loud. I told the kid, if you keep driving this car into our neighborhood loudly (he can drive is slowly and it probably is "legal" from a db perspective), someone is going to call the cops.
A neighbor who is a close friend texted me to ask if the loud car was coming to my house. I said "yup" its my daughters BF. He offered to pay to buy him a muffler, and I said you could make him that offer, but he likes it loud. The conversation ended.

Yesterday the kid gets pulled over by a State Trooper outside our neighborhood and my daughter is in the car. The neighbor is with the State Trooper - so he not only complained to the cops, but also worked with them to nail the kid.

I'm pissed. Not because he called the cops. I'm pissed that he didn't tell me - "Julian - heads up....I'm done with this kid and I'm calling the cops tomorrow". Either in person, call me, text me, send me a FB message (yes we are friends on FB), send me a Nextdoor message, leave an anonymous note in my mailbox, Call the HOA president and have him call me - SO MANY way he could have be spineless and got me that message - but he was a pathetic prick and didn't.

So....am I out of line thinking he should have given the kid an opportunity to know he was calling the cops?

This poor kid now has 3 tickets and 2 warnings. Turns out, he's in the process of buying this car from a friend, and the friend (employee of his mom) said it was plated legally - lied. The plate isn't for that car-so got a ticket for that. A Ticket for driving on an expired permit (he has a DMV test appointment for Monday....couldn't get one sooner due to covid). Ticket for illegal window tint. Warning for tire tread and a warning for the exhaust. Now the kid can't get to work as he can't drive the car. Has hundreds of dollars in tickets (talked to the cop who said if he goes to court and says he's fixed them all - they should waive the tickets (operative word---SHOULD). Cop was really nice- talked to him for a while.

I am tempted to post the following on FB:

Dear neighbors, my humble apologies for the loud car you've heard for the last couple of months. This was my daughter's boyfriend and he likes loud cars. I hate them! He won't be driving it in our neighborhood any longer as one or more of my wonderful neighbors called the police on him. In the future, please do me and the rest of our neighbor's children and their friends the common courtesy of letting them know you are mad as hell and are going to call the police BEFORE you call them. I would do this for your children of their friends.

In order of maturity/level of comfort, I would start at the top and work your way down:

1. Go to the neighbors house in person and talk to the parents.
2. Call the neighbors house (our number is in the directory)
3. Text the neighbor
4. Send the neighbor a message on FB, Nextdoor etc.
5. Leave an anonymous note in the neighbors mailbox
6. Call the HOA president or board member and have them relay the message.
7. Don't give the kid any warning and just call the cops like a spineless pussy.

OK....I might need to reword #7.....but right now it sure makes the point.

Feedback.....???

 

[Murf'n'surf]

I think the neighbor did the right thing by reaching out to you in the beginning. Unfortunately, you didn't sense the severe frustration nor did you offer to reconcile the problem.

Should he have called you twice?

 

[Julian]

I think the neighbor did the right thing by reaching out to you in the beginning. Unfortunately, you didn't sense the severe frustration nor did you offer to reconcile the problem.

Should he have called you twice?

Never spoke to him. He only texted. Hard to read frustration level in text. And after he texted I replied to him that the kid was going to quieten it down - and the kid did. He would often arrive without me hearing his car at all. No communication from the neighbor after that.

 

[Lurch]

So you're OK with your daughter riding around in a shitbox of a car, but upset with your neighbor? It sounds like he did you a favor. The guy did contact you before escalating, so I'd forget it and let the kid learn from his mistakes.

 

[HangOutdoors]

I dunno.... I hate the whole texting thing to begin with. Can't sense tone usually from a text or an email. With that being said, he could of given you another heads up or at least had another in person conversation with you. You did indicate that the kid was dating your daughter and not some random dude.

You indicating that the neighbor is a close friend...... Not cool on his part at all. I guess I could see it if the neighbor and you didn't get a long, but what he did wasn't very nice.

 

[Beachbummer]

Not much recourse, now you know how the neighbor will react in the future.

Someone with your best interest at heart would have alerted you they would rat them out as they did. It's pretty uncool they did not, but could have been anyone.

If you are feeling very strongly about sending the note, I would exclude your list, and end at "friends" You are just asking the others to be upfront before enforcement is involved.

 

[zipper]

I probably won't be much help. 25 years living on top of a hill with the closest neighbor 1200 feet away. Still, a couple of our neighbors are douches also. To be out there with the cop this guy obviously has some issues. What he did would end our friendship, although he did offer to buy a muffler, lol. However, the kid is not without blame. Expired permit? Driving a car with a loud exhaust, possibly not within NC DOT requirements, drawing attention that he did not need to draw. In VT. if driving with a permit, there needs to be an adult passenger with a valid license in the car. Difference between permit and license. Sounds like you warned the kid. Hard lesson hopefully learned.

 

[Julian]

I probably won't be much help. 25 years living on top of a hill with the closest neighbor 1200 feet away. Still a couple of our neighbors are douches also. To be out there with the cop this guy obviously has some issues. What he did would end our friendship, although he did offer to buy a muffler, lol. However, the kid is not without blame. Expired permit? Driving a car with a loud exhaust, possibly not within NC DOT requirements, drawing attention that he did not need to draw. In VT. if driving with a permit, there needs to be an adult passenger with a valid license in the car. Difference between permit and license. Sounds like you warned the kid. Hard lesson hopefully learned.

I don't have an issue with him calling the police. My issue is he didn't call me first. He was a good friend. I'd never do that to a friend. What I'm learning is he's done strange passive aggressive shit to other neighbors in the past.

Pity is....his wife is really nice and she gets screwed by being married to this asshole who's getting nuttier and nuttier.

 

[2kwik4u]

Man I'm torn here.

I'm best friends with my neighbor. His daughter had a loud car that woke up my then 4yr old when we moved in. We weren't best friends then (we've both been through some shit together since), but I just walked over when he was out front and had a conversation. Offered to help, offered to split the cost, etc. They got the car fixed for cheap from a friend, apologized as they didn't realize it was pointed directly at our house when his daughter started it in the morning.

Likewise, they guy across the street was big into flying drones when we moved in. He flew over best friends house shortly after we moved in. best friend was having his daughters 18th birthday party and there were about 10 or so young ladies on the back deck. it was creepy as shit. best friend confronted him aggressively and it got blown out of proportion. Still animosity there. Drone neighbor now has that wrapped and full exhaust C8 that points directly at my house. he leaves for work every morning, 6 days a week at 7:08 am. it wakes our whole effing house up. he won't give me the time of day because he still hates my best friend neighbor.

Final story.....new neighbhor moved in this spring on the other side. He asked me on a Saturday afternoon where I was about 9 beers into my day if he could cut my grass from time to time. I, of course, said "SURE, I hate that shit anyway"......well he cut it about 3-4 times. Each time increasingly shorter and in random ass patterns. Sometimes he would cut all of it, sometimes none of it. If he did cut, there were clippings all over the side of my car, and house as if he blew the grass on them. Just really NOT the quality work that I do, and honestly I half-ass the grass most of the time anyway, so it was bad. Ended up just having to be exceptionally stern and very clear with him. I was VERY up front about the fact that I wasn't upset, he was only doing what I said he could, and that I just wanted him to stop. He took it well, and we still talk, but I doubt we'll be BFF's anytime soon. Fair enough.

SOOOOO........All that to say. I would walk over and talk to the guy. Be polite, and stern. Express the disappointment and give him a good impression that if there are future problems, he work through you first by way of a face to face conversation. Make it a learning experience for everyone involved. I can promise that "bad blood" just festers, so first, you got let that level of shit go. it's done, it's over, you can't change it, channel your inner Elsa and just "let it go". Then have that conversation with a clear head and open mind. Finally, force future encounters with him to be face to face until you get that familiarity back to go to text.

I won't lie. Before BFF neighbor and I were on good terms, we had a couple "Dude, What in the exact fuck is your problem" moments. We were at camp with them and he asked my oldest to grab a pocket knife from his console to help on a project we were working on. The oldest had to move the loaded handgun out of the way to get the pocket knife, and did so by tossing it on the dash of neighbors truck. neighbor was pissed he tossed the pistol, I was pissed he sent a then 8yr old to place where he could put his hands on a loaded pistol, knowing damn well my boys aren't around guns enough to trust them with that. We had some serious words over that. It almost ended us. There have been a few other things from both sides that have just really tested that, and it's ALWAYS been cured with a "man, we gotta talk about this". Air our grievances, and bury the hatchet, we're better because of it.

Good luck man.

P.S. Don't send #7. He's dragging you to his level, and is likely to beat you with experience.

 

[HangOutdoors]

@2kwik4u Wow that is a lot. I wouldn't of survived it. Excellent you smoothed it out.

 

[FSH 210 Sport]

Julian,

Right up front, I mean you no disrespect or denigration.

My perspective comes from my up bringing as well as having to deal with inconsiderate people for most of my life, interfering with my ability to enjoy my property, e.g. sleep at night, be able to have people over for a bbq etc…due to various activities by those who didn’t care about me or my rights.

Firstly, there is no poor kid with the linage of offenses he has, I appreciate your candor by supplying the facts of his behavior, and the whole story, very commendable. This kid just got a valuable lesson in life, be responsible or pay the consequences.

Your neighbor gave you, and this kid opportunity to quiet things down.

“A neighbor who is a close friend texted me to ask if the loud car was coming to my house. I said "yup" its my daughters BF. He offered to pay to buy him a muffler, and I said you could make him that offer, but he likes it loud. The conversation ended”.

The way I see that, you basically said to him, I’m not going to do anything about it. You as the responsible adult and property owner should have said, I’m sorry it has bothered you I will take care of that right away, no need to pay for a muffler I will see to it, thank you for the offer. By your own admission above the car is LOUD. So based on your response, your neighbor then thought okay, he’s not going to fix it so I will. So in my opinion he did the right thing, and really went the extra mile by offering to buy the kid a muffler, and he let you know, once, which is all that is required of an adult, to be told once. So in his view, based on your explanation, you told him to go fuck himself. He is not passive aggressive at all, on the contrary he was a good neighbor.

So now the kid is crying the blues for all the crap he brought on himself, by being totally irresponsible and not giving a crap about other people. I suspect he has not ever been held to account for his own actions, otherwise it would not have been a laundry list of offenses.

BTW The reason he was in the Leo’s car was that the cop asked him for his help when he showed up, been there done that identifying a perp for a crime.

You see, I was and have been the neighbor who walked over and asked my neighbors courteously and nicely to quiet things down, keep your dog from barking etc so I could sleep between 10 PM and 4:30AM, or so I could have friends over or watch a movie in my house without having blare the sound to hear the movie. But their actions said, fuck you. So I had to take action in other ways that were less than pleasant for these neighbors of mine, and course I was the A**Hold for standing up for myself.

IMHO, try not to be sore at this guy, mend the fences and move forward in a harmonious fashion.

 

[mark_m]

Julian, I would call first then arrange to talk in person. I empathize with your frustration and being blindsided… I can also see how neighbor could think the way the text exchange ended abruptly, he thought it best to take things into his own hands.

Respectfully, coz he’s in your backyard and it’s generally best to be on amiable terms with your neighbors, suggest not doing any of 3-7.

Take the high road, neither of you can just up and move somewhere else, best to resolve it. Otherwise, I suggest you still take the high road and write them off.

If he did give you the heads up, how would have you preferred things unfolded differently?

 

[itsdgm]

That sucks @Julian id be pissed too. But imho, posting a note like that is just as passively aggressive as what he did. Go talk to him face to face. It forces people to answer directly to you, not their phone/computer. His beef is actually with your daughter’s BF anyway. id bring him along to have him apologize to the neighbor for the noise. That way the neighbor will without question know who the ass hole is in the conversation. Good luck with your decision. IMHO, cooler heads usually prevail. Either way, you’re going to learn a lot about your neighbor and daughters BF.

 

[Neutron]

If the kid needs the car that bad, make it legal.
If he doesn't make it legal then HE has to deal with the consequences, not you.
So many around here with illegal tint and loud obnoxious exhaust, headlamps pointed at the ski, etc....they are inconsiderate to every one around them and they deserve any fines or tickets they get for breaking the law
Your young man has a long list of reasons he shouldn't be driving that car. 3 tickets and 2 warnings worth. And from the sounds of things he could have gotten pulled over anywhere. And be glad he didn't get a real prick of a cop. Car could have been impounded.
Kid needs help, a legal license and legal car

I would confront your neighbor face to face and let him know your frustration. He wasn't completely wrong to do something if it was a constant nuisance.

 

[suke]

If it was your daughter he called the cops on I'd be mad. Since it's the BF that kid is fair game. On the surface the kid sounds like a tool anyways, no offense I don't have too much info to go off of. LOL!

 

[Crob83]

I wouldn't call the cops on anybody for anything unless it is violent. But that's just me, my neighbors probably hated me when I was 18 also. I am now 38 and find myself saying wtf is wrong with these kids, but we were all one of the kids at some point to some degree. I was a bad ass kid so I can relate...lol. I would be pissed if any of my neighbors called the cops on anybody coming/leaving my house without talking to me first. But in all fairness he did talk to you first, but still a dick move IMO

 

[Julian]

Again, I'm not mad he called the cops. That was our only recourse. I told the kid over and over to fix the car, I'd pay, and the kid said he likes the car like that. I told him the neighbors would call the cops. I have no control over him, he ain't my kid. If I ban him, he can drive by the house at 3am every night and be a prick. So I'm perfectly fine with calling the cops! I couldn't do it and have my daughter ever talk to me again.

It was the simple fact he 1) never told me he was this upset, especially after the car was quieter. He could have texted....or called or walked over. 2) he went to the effort of working with the cops to nail the kid....so it wasn't like he was too busy to let me know. He's just a passive aggressive asshole. 4 small text messages in mid December then nothing for 3 weeks while he festered. I was out of town for 2 weeks caring for my dad and moving him to a nursing home and then he drops this shit out of nowhere!

#7 was a joke....the rest of the list is serious.

I like the idea of talking to the guy, but I'm have no need to make an effort with this prick. He lives 6 houses away, I have no need to interact with him, and other neighbors are already distanced from him.

So I'll talk to him, park his POS trailer that he's been "storing" in my yard for 4 years in his driveway, and leave him well alone. If he wants to make an effort to fix things, I'll see if it's worth it.

And if his kids do something that annoys me, I'll talk to his wife like a human being would.

 

[Julian]

And I will be posting a generic note along the lines of.....if you have a problem with the actions of a kid in this subdivision....call their parents or go to the house and speak in person.

I had one neighbor who did this....once to discuss the noisy car, once to thank me that he toned it down. I'll send him flowers!

 

[zipper]

Again, I'm not mad he called the cops. That was our only recourse...

...#7 was a joke....the rest of the list is serious...

...So I'll talk to him, park his POS trailer that he's been "storing" in my yard for 4 years in his driveway, and leave him well alone.

IDK, don't dismiss #7 yet. Tell him to come get his own trailer and if he gets belligerent, then you can drop #7 on him, while on your property. Six houses away, it's not like you share a boundary line.

Sidebar: I know bad neighbors. I have them too. They try to hunt and ATV on our property without my permission and other things below. I actually ended up in a fist fight with one neighbor in another neighbors, his cousin’s, garage in 2004. I sent him away bloody, I was only defending myself, as he came at me. Not proud, but he never tried to pick a fight since. Shortly there after I had two police officers come talk to me about something someone had told them. The Seargent suggested to me that we buy personal protection (hand guns) because we lived so far out of town. We had other guns but we both went and bought a 9mm. All in that same time period we bought an Akita and ADT. I got the message as I carried that 9mm pretty much everywhere with me. Ya, even when I was milking the cows. Things have cooled down since then as one of the assholes that would walk around vandalizing our business, slashing the plastic sheeting on 2 of our inflatable covered greenhouses, 3 times, moved. I uses to sit out on either end of the day with a firearm to catch the bastard. The one time I caught him, he was in full face covering camo w/ a muzzleloader. I was holding a coffee cup, the gun was in the truck a 100 yds away. I let him walk by me and 3 posted signs as I followed him a bit before I let him know I was there. He turned around and ran back down the road to his parents house, threatening me on the way past me, where this 30+yo lived at the time. I sent the cops and the game warden to his parents house. His parents kicked him out later after he had a fight with his Father. So that threat was gone. Lived in bliss since, LOL. Oh, and we have a judgement lein on another neighbors property for damages he did to ours. He refuses to pay what the judgement stated and the 12% interest accrues to this day. That is my experience with a few neighbors over the years. Hope it does not become yours. Best of luck.

Edit: Almost enough for me to get my Captains license, sell and be snowbird live aboards based out of South Florida.

 

[MajorBummer210]

Don’t post a note on FB out of frustration.
First talk to your neighbor and let him know that you wish he would’ve talked to you in person. This is what you wished he would’ve done for you, correct?
YOU posting something passive aggressively on FB, without talking to your neighbor, will not help yourself or the relationships with anyone in the neighborhood. If you post something that is super kind and focused on building relationships then it will help more. Only after you talk with your neighbor in person. Admit that you messed up too. You could’ve recognized that someone will only contact you about a frustration after they are REALLY frustrated. Identifying your own faults helps people admit to theirs.